Dear Whoopi,

So I've been debating it recently, and I think I'm going to start doing heroin. Do you do heroin Whoopi? I don't want to do a lot of it. Just like every couple days. You've got to set some ground rules if you are going to do it successfully. I'll work out a schedule, like: Heroin Days: Monday, Wednesday, Sunday; Non-Heroin Days: Tuesday, Saturday. I'll leave Thursday open, you know, see how I feel.

I'm a little puzzled by the nicknames for heroin kids today are using today. Names like "Dust," "China White," "Mexican Mud" and "Smack." For a long time I wondered why anyone would want to inject themselves with something called "Smack" but now I think I get it. Heroin is like a loving mother. From what I gathered off Google, when it's nice to you, it's love is pure and warm. But when it comes back from working a double shift at the diner, only to have her '97 Chrysler Le Baron blow a tire on the interstate and find my "jackass father" boning his secretary, you get a little love smack.

Also, there seems to be an overwhelming supply of anti-heroin propaganda. Campaigns like "Smack is Whack" really hit at the heart of the issue while remaining relevant to the younger generations with hip lingo. To this day I have only seen one pro-heroin advertisement and it was at a basketball game. Before the game, they gave out basketballs with the phrase, "When it comes to tobacco, PASS." You see, the basketball was a large, inflatable metaphor. Cute. What I noticed later, was that the other side of the ball says, "When it comes to heroin, SHOOT." I'm glad the Trailblazers and their advertisers clearly have their priorities in order.

Yours Truly,
Nathan