Dear Whoopi,

Have you seen the Incredible Hulk? You know, where Bruce Banner is exposed to Gamma rays and turns all big and green with an anger problem. Not the Eric Bana one, the new one with Edward Norton. I watched it the other day and there were some things I didn't understand. Can you help me out Whoopi?

I don't understand how his pants are always able to withstand the tension created when Bruce Banner transforms. His shirt always comes off, and his pant legs even rip a little, but the pants always stay on. Now, I know no one wants to see a big, green, Hulk wiener flopping around as he destroys various pieces of government property, but come on. Then again, if I remember correctly, it didn't do too well at the Box Office, so maybe they do. Anyways, does he shop at one of those expecting mothers stores where they sell the super stretchy, elastic pants? And if so, which one, because I'd be interesting in getting some. I think it would be much more comfortable than just unbuttoning my pants when I'm bloated.

Also, how do his teeth get bigger and greener when he gets Hulk-ified? I can go along with the growing bones and muscles, but the teeth? I'm not buying it. And does he eat anything when he is in Hulk mode? I bet ripping a Humvee into shreds burns a whole lot of calories. I can imagine him eating entire cows hole or getting trees and broccoli confused, but then what happens when he de-hulks? I don't think a normal sized person can comfortably exist with a tree trunk and a partially digested cow in their intestines. He must have some very uncomfortable bathroom visits the next day.

Oh, and he only transforms when his heart rate is over 200 beats per minute? If I was Bruce, the Hulk thing would not be a problem. I don't think I've ever had my heart rate over 200. Just to see if it was possible, I ran on a treadmill last night. You know, the ones that have the built in heart rate monitor? Well, I got it up to 150 and woke up two hours later at the foot of the machine bleeding while spooning an eight-pound medicine ball. Maybe I am the Hulk, and I'm just don't exercise enough to transform. In that case, I'm never working out again.

Yours Truly,
Nathan